Thursday, September 19, 2002

I've been thinking about the whole "how much should I share" issue I wrote about below. I won't say I've really come to any real conclusions, but I have had some interesting thoughts. Fish pointed out that any future somebody that judged me harshly based on what I'm going through now would be, in her words, "a tart." She went on to say, "Don't let some hypothetical tart stifle you." Every time I sit down to write, I end up haunted by the specter of various people saying, "Was that supposed to be me?" "I never said that!" or "Why didn't you tell me about this in person? Why am I reading it in a book?" and I end up not telling the truth as it appears to me.

I'm going to experiment, for a while, at least, with living an open book. If I'm having a bad day, I'll write about having a bad day, and the same for good days. At the same time, I do have to respect the fact that not all of my friends want their lives to be open books, so I'll will reserve the right to hold back from time to time.

What about dating? - It's not hard to see the dangers inherent in blogging about your dating life under your real name. And while I would certainly ask that somebody kick my ass if I ever type the words "I hope I get a hand job" in this blog, it's still dangerous. Just as a f'rinstance, I had a single date this spring with a girl I met through Match.com. As it happened, she wasn't interested, and I wasn't interested if she wasn't interested. But if it was me to say "no thanks" then I'd want her to find out directly from me, not from my blog. But I think I'll be okay if I follow the same rules in blogging as I do in life (1. Be kind. 2. Think before you hit submit 3. Have the guts to say what you're thinking/feeling).

My real fear in blogging about my feelings is that I'll meet some incredible girl, and she'll read my blog and decide that she's outta here because I'm not over my ex-wife yet. But the simple fact is that I'm not over my ex-wife yet, and probably shouldn't be dating anyone.* I still think about her every damn day, and often to the point where I have trouble breathing. In the last two weeks, I've dreamed about Carrie all but 4 nights, and those moments when I was with her in my dreams were the happiest I've had in the last 16 months. And then I wake up.

I have happy moments in my waking life, as well, though. I've been practicing Kenpo for a little over a year now, and I'm really enjoying it. "Enjoying" doesn't even really cover it. For the first time in years, I feel like I really live in my body. When I'm practicing Kenpo, I'm having to think with my whole mind and my whole body, which means there's no room left in my head for Carrie, or work, or anything else. Plus it's fun. It's also exhausting, frustrating, and confusing, but that's all kind of fun, too.

There are moments, here and there, when I feel like I've risen up above my life, far enough that I can see out of this valley I'm stuck in, and I see that I have a good life, with amazing friends, a nice house, the world coolest cat, and so much more that really do make me one of the luckiest of the earth. And then there are the moments when I look in the mirror, and all I can see is the man that she left, and all I can think of is the love that I got to hold in my hands for a few moments before it flitted away.

That's my life: sometimes I miss her so much I can't breathe, other times I feel lucky to be alive. At any given point in time, I might be anywhere along that spectrum, or I might be several places at once. For a while, I tried to control what I felt, tried to "work on" getting over her. I've given up on that. I can't control how I feel, nor would I want to. I am still in love with my wife, and I will continue to be so for as long...well, for as long as I am, I suppose. But I can work on learning to ride in the eye of the hurricane. It's not healthy to be totally in control of your emotions, but it's no more healthy for your emotions to be in total control of you.

* At the moment, I am not dating, nor am I interested in dating. In all honesty, the thought of letting myself become emotionally attached to another human being scares the hell out of me right now. But I am aware of the fact that, time being time, I will eventually meet someone who is, to me, worth the risk. But my threshold is extremely high right now. So high, in fact, that the only person above it is Carrie, who I would welcome back into my life tomorrow even if I knew with absolute certainty that she would break my heart. Because she's worth it. Is that stupid? Or romantic? Is there even a difference, when it comes to this kind of thing?

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