Tuesday, December 03, 2002

She was in my dreams again last night. In the dream, she'd been lured away by a force that fed primarily off the energies of young men, but needed a young woman from time to time "to be a mother for our boys." I managed to get in to rescue her, but she turned to water as soon as I set eyes on her, and I couldn't get a grip to pull her out. But I kept looking at her, and I felt the quality of my gaze change, soften, and as I remembered her with my eyes, she solidified.*

Even a creepy nightmare with her in it has an effect on me. I know it's not really her that I miss; I miss how I felt when we were together. You know that "God is in his heaven, and all is right with the world" feeling you get when things turn out better than you ever expected? I got that feeling pretty much every morning I woke up next to Carrie, except for the last few months when things were starting to suck (and sometimes even then). I got it when I was cooking dinner or puttering on the computer in the evening, and I could hear her teaching a lesson in the studio.

I haven't had that feeling, not even once, since she left.

I miss being in love.

* This dream is, I'm sure, ripe for analysis. If nothing else, it certainly has something to say about the Male Gaze. And it gets more interesting the more I think about the dream. There are certain recurring locations in my dreams, including several different houses, some of which are real (like the house I grew up in), some of which are not; a couple of schools; and a road. This one was set on the road, which, by the way, runs through Kansas all the way to the mountains in Colorado. And, yes, it's always the same road, and always the same mountains.

Another thing about this dream: I could fly. This is not particularly unusual, as I can often fly in my dreams. It's not Superman-style flying, though. It's more that I can negate the effects of gravity on my body, then move through the air by the force of my will. It's easier and faster than running, so I'll often float just a few inches off the ground and float around rather than walking.

In other words, in my dreams I can ignore gravity, but not love. Just the opposite of real life. Except the part about love.

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