Sunday, August 24, 2003

As Steve Martin's character said in Grand Canyon, "All life's riddles are answered in the movies." For example, a couple of years ago I was walking along wrestling with the fact that I was still head over heels in love with somebody who had recently decided she wasn't in love with me. I asked, out loud, how it was possible for me to love her so much, and so romantically, while she loved me "like a brother". Clear as day, I heard Danny Aiello's voice in my head, saying, "One thing's got nothin to do with the other." (The Professional)

Tonight's lesson then, comes from Ocean's Eleven: "You suicidal?" and the reply: "Only in the morning."

Now, I know we're talking about a throwaway line from a glib character in a glib movie, but I also know that when I'm at feeling glib is when I'm most likely to speak the simple truth. And the truth I take out of this is that everybody has their shitty times. Me, I'm never suicidal in the morning. Either I hop up, bright eyed and bushy-tailed, as my dad used to say, or I'm headachey and half-asleep until I'm showered and properly caffeinated. In the first case, I'm feeling good, and in the second, by the time I'm awake enough to feel depressed, I'm already up and going about my business, too busy for grim thoughts.

Nighttime on the other hand...

Today was a good day. Sure, I woke up stiff and sore, but that's hardly unusual. Christie and I went out for breakfast and a walk around downtown. The students are back in town, which on the one hand means more dumbass drivers, but on the other means a livelier downtown, and lots of pretty young girls in skimpy outfits. Yeah, I'm a dirty old man, but everybody needs a hobby. Christie and I talked possible futures, dream houses, furniture, and Halloween costumes. I went into a comics shop for the first time in ten years and picked up a copy of 1602, which looks like it'll kick ass (no surprise, as it's written by Neil Gaiman). I napped. God, I love naps. I spent the evening people watching, writing, and drinking coffee, all of which make me happy. I even had a complete stranger admire my Axim and folding keyboard. Definitely a good day.

But the drive home and the prospect of killing time in an empty house before bed put a pit in my stomach, and as much as I love my little hobbit hole of a house, it does, indeed, feel very empty right now. It probably doesn't help that just after I got to the coffee shop, I saw a familiar looking car dropping someone off, and thought "No, it couldn't be.." but, yeah, it was Carrie. It was just a glimpse of a woman I don't really miss, at least not most of the time, and just last night I was thinking how glad I am the divorce is just almost final, but the glimpse still brought up toxic thoughts, and while they were drowned out for hours by the crowds and the writing and coeds all dressed up for the last weekend before classes start, I guess they managed to stick around long enough to resurface in the silence of home.

But thoughts are just thoughts, and nighttime just happens to be my shitty time. It'll look better in the daylight, and if not, I can always build something. There's very little that can't be made better with power tools.

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