Tuesday, February 24, 2004

When I got married, I knew with absolute certainty that this was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Five years later, I spent my anniversary at a concert with a male friend, wondering if I'd ever hold my wife in my arms again. There are a thousand lessons a man could learn from an experience like that, but I tried to narrow my sights to just one: "You never know."

Wait, let me start over.

I spent the two years after my divorce limping through life like a man who'd lost a limb, and the pain of it made me loathe to lean on anyone ever again.

Hmmm. No, still not right.

If you let your fear of getting hurt prevent you from taking chances, you have a 100% chance of missing out on happiness.

No. True, but too flip.

Sunrui Suzuki once referred to Zen practice as "one continuous mistake". If we take the same phrase and apply it to life, it frees us to...

Oh, hell. Not even close.

I got engaged. I'd been thinking about it for weeks, wondering if she'd say yes, wondering if I was rushing, wondering if I'd gone too slow, asking myself why I wanted to ask (was it because I just didn't want to be single anymore? No, not really. Fear of losing her? Definitely not. Pressure from society? Parents? The IRS? No, no, and no. Because I love her, can't imagine anyone better suited to build a life with, and want her to know she's first in my heart? Yeah, that's the one.), going over the whys the whens the hows and wheres until I decided I was, as usual, making things too complicated. So when date night arrived, and we were snuggled up on the couch watching Angel, I waited until the show was over and said, "You know what?"

"What?"

"I think we should get married. Maybe this fall."

"Okay. Sounds great."

"Is that a yes?"

"It's a yes."

So now I have a wedding to plan. Anybody know a good place in mid-Missouri to have a reception (and possibly the wedding, too) for 30-50 people? Not too expensive, please. We're paying for this ourselves, you know.

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